The Problem Isn’t Your Motivation, It’s Your Wound

A guy in his late 20’s walked out of a coffee shop with a date called off.
He is at her wits’ end. Sitting down in front of his Laptop he texts,
“I’m so frustrated. I’ve been trying to have a Smooth date for months, but I just can’t do it. There must be something wrong with me. I try to get out of work to date, but I just don’t want to.
Even when I force myself to flirt, I can’t go nearly as far as everyone else. I give up just when she gives in. It is like I’m somehow Stuck. Even after deciding, I am in so much stress that I have to fake Mood swings, just to make her believe that “It’s me, not you”. Other people can date without resorting finding exits first. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me.”

What is the first thing you would say to this person? “The problem is your broken Mind.”

I use this as a metaphor for those with trauma. Such individuals often try to ‘willpower’ their way past severe and debilitating wounds- wounds that are present and yet invisible.
This is especially prevalent for survivors of Trauma Abuse and abandonment.

Why? Well, We all derive our strength from tragedies we survived.

Survivors of Trauma Abuse and abandonment often have no idea that their experiences are traumatic.

In fact, I’m willing to bet on the fact that many readers have no idea what Trauma Scare are. Further, upon learning such violence consists of memories of Cheating, misleading, backstabbing, emotional blackmail, many people doubt that something as harmless as ‘words’ could have a lasting impact.

Nevertheless, research has repeatedly demonstrated that psychological Trauma Abuse and abandonment has comparable negative outcomes to physical and sexual violence.

Survivors struggle with self-loathing for failing to form healthy relationships, or for constantly fighting depression, or for being incapable of actively pursuing a career/business. They believe that they are the problem. In reality? They are limited by the complications of unresolved Trauma Abuse and abandonment. They have these unresolved complains about themselves.

Unfortunately, the world is less understanding of psychological Trauma Abuse and abandonment than physical ones. Where a broken leg is obvious and stigma-free- being a victim isn’t. Especially when someone is the victim of something as subtle and nuanced as Trauma Abuse and abandonment.

Resulting, Survivors become infected with negative beliefs about themselves, their abilities, and the world. They become overwhelmed by maladaptive coping mechanisms like substance use, self-harm, or disordered eating.

The belief that they are broken or unlovable is exacerbated by depression, anxiety and a hyperactive nervous system. Resultantly, they become isolated and shut down.

From this place, survivors are like the guy from our opening story. They are trapped in the belief that they are incapable of as high as achieving their dreams or as low as of being on a date, Casual flirts and Asking for a second date feels more difficult than walking out and walking away.

Unable to see the real and valid limitations of trauma, they decide these failures are due to personal and immutable characteristics.

Survivors make the detrimental assumption that their lack of achievement, happiness and success is proof of their deficiency. Rather, it is proof of their wounds.

If you see yourself in these words, please take a moment to consider what wounds you are ignoring. Those things you’ve told yourself you should just ‘get over’ or ‘weren’t a big deal’, in fact, be what is keeping you from what you want most.

Perhaps in reading this article, you were hoping to renew your motivation or push yourself even harder.
Please stop running, sit down for a moment and look at your wounds. You can run the marathon. You just need to heal the broken leg first.